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New beginnings (the most cliche title ever)
Friday. 9.28.18 9:11 pm
It's been 8 months since my breakup from my 5 year relationship. I've learned so much from these 8 months. 5 main things I have learned include:

1.) Dating is harder than you think.
2.) Dating apps are easy to download, and you can definitely meet lots of people
3.) It's hard to find authentic love connections with people
4.) Some things don't turn out the way you think they will.
5.) I am too dependent on people, and need to learn to love being by myself.

I went hard at the dating game, about 2-3 weeks after my breakup. And well, I grieved my break up through all the relationships/guys I have dated. But now, it's time to work on me. I am tired of dating, especially dating when I don't have feelings for people. I have many goals for myself, and I am excited to fulfill them.

1.) Pay off my credit card debt. I somehow racked it up immensely in the last 4 years. I have no idea how it happened, but I plan to pay it all off hopefully, in a year or 2.
2.) Get a new second job! ICU, ED, some sort of specialty. I am excited, and I feel it is time to grow professionally. I have to challenge myself and grow up sometime lol.
3.) Lose weight and become healthier. I want to fill my body with nutrients, and work out on a consistent basis.
4.) Lastly, while I do all of this: LOVE MYSELF. Because it seems like the hardest thing for me to do. I don't know why. I mean, Im a decent human being, why do I hate myself sometimes? Lol. Well, time to change that.

On another note, I remember telling you guys about Seth. He was the one a couple of blogs ago where he told me "One day, we'll get married, have two kids, and live in a one story house" Well, that relationship ended, but I still can't get over him. I have casually dated 4 guys since, but I can't get over him. Weirdly enough, it's taking me longer to get over him than it did for me to get over my 5 year relationship. Maybe because I had my closure with Chris. However, me and Seth...no specific closure. Despite my feelings for him, I don't want to reach out anymore. Things became weird, but I can't help but hope someday, he comes back. In the mean time, I want to focus on me. My heart and my gut says we'll try again somehow. But you know what? My gut has been wrong before. So I can't bet on it.

Anyways, I'm ready guys. Ready to finally focus on me. If Seth does come around in the next couple months, I don't think I'd want to start again. I'd want to be his friend, get to know him. I miss his so much. But it takes 2 people to reach out. I've always been the first to do it, it's his turn. If you guys really want the whole long story, let me know and i'll make a separate blog.

At this moment, I am at a coffee shop, working on my resume. Just finished my online CPR module, since I let my national cert. expire. Whoops. ACLS will be my next option, but that will come with time. I'm excited for what the future holds.

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Balance
Tuesday. 6.5.18 9:54 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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