i can't help but feel like im a horrible person sometimes.
with my meanness and bad advice.
oh geez, i feel like a lame-o times 38472847298347283743424.

i have to be a better person.
sometimes it's hard to change your mentality though.
i've been majorly sarcastic and mean to others, without really noticing how much it hurts. i know i have to get back to that "humble" spot, but it's hard sometimes.
i have trouble seeing what i do wrong now, when it was so clear to me before.
it was so easy to put myself in other people's shoes. what happened? i feel like my heart has hardened over this year. I have shake it off, move forward, and be a better person.

i don't want to be the malicious evil villain who is out to back stab. I don't mean to do it, but i feel like my actions show it a lot. I'm such a busy body >.<. i think people should just not tell me their stuff, because im horrible at these things. people can take it themselves, it will only get worse with me.
don't trust me, im unworthy :[.

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its hard.
i've found a friend who truley shows me that she cares about me.
and the way she is concerned is so sweet! i love her so much! because she always seems to care if i have a problem.

but that's where it sucks.
because i now compare her to my best friend.
and it seems like she cares more about the things that i go through that my best friend does.
and knowing that...shows how far i am from my best friend.
or maybe not far...but more grown apart.

or maybe not even that.
i think i care more about my friendship with her than she does with me.

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so You asked me what was wrong today, and i told you i don't want to tell you.
It's because You are the problem. It's because i can't tell you how i feel without ruining our friendship.
The frustration of caring too much about You, and being infatuated with You so much that it hurts to know i can't have you. It hurts to know that You can't see me that way. True, i never asked, but I know that there is no way...

you don't see me the same way i see you. No matter what, if you lose weight, gain weight, change your hairstyle, or change the way you wear your clothes...i will always have these feelings for you. Even if i feel this way, i don't know if it will ever make you feel the same way i do.

it would be a miracle, a blessing, if you ever actually felt the same way.
but, honestly, i don't think it's God's will to like you THIS much.
it's such a hindrance:[. it really is..

in may, it will be my four year anniversary of having feelings for you.
yay me?

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