Struggles of an Asian American
Sunday. 10.19.14 4:00 pm
So if you guys didn't know, I am Filipino. Both my parents are first generation Asian Americans. Meaning, they grew up in the Philippines, and moved here in their thirties. Now, my parents are very traditional. This entails a lot of rules and regulations that Americans do not share with those that they have in the Philippines.
But that is where the struggle begins. I grew up in America my whole life, where we are constantly told that we should follow our dreams, live a life we want to live, be, do and continue anything and everything that makes us happy. I've grown up with this mentality that being free is what makes me happy. But the filipino tradition is different, especially on a woman. We are supposed to stay home, clean every little piece of furniture and keep everything in place. We have to have dinner ready on the table for our husbands or else they won't love us anymore. We can't stay out passed two am, and we can't sleep over at friend's houses because "god knows what you are actually doing there" (quote from my mother, actually).
With these rules and regulations my parents have set upon me, I feel suffocated. I am twenty three years old, and although that is young, I am considered an adult in American culture. I am not an adult in my parent's eyes. My parents don't accept my decisions, and I don't think they respect my actions. I am professional and yes I work my ass off being a nurse. I love my job. But I also have friends, am in my twenties, and drink occasionally. I sleep over at my friend's houses sometimes so I don't have to drive (and also because....I'm getting my license next week. Yes, I don't know how to drive yet, but that's another story lol). I like to have fun and go clubbing. I want to go on trips with friends and not be seen as if I am this demon child.
Now, I can get why my parents don't trust me, because I have made my share of mistakes. I am constantly learning from them though. Still, my parents don't trust me. They also tell me there is gossip about me. Quite frankly, I knew there would be ever since I came back from college. As you all know, I have been involved in a church that is predominantly filipino my whole life. I have changed significantly and I think many people can tell. But I am still an amazing person despite what these people say. I wish my parents would see that I am still a good person. Maybe not the standards of a Filipino woman, but to the standards that I have for myself.
So am I this horrible person who everyone thinks I am due to the standards of an Asian culture? Or am I Daneva, who is still continually trying to find herself with the freedom she has been exposed to, making mistakes but becoming a better person as time goes on because of it? I would like to believe the latter, but it's a constant struggle to stand up for myself when the voices around me constantly tells me that I am doing everything wrong.
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Thursday. 10.09.14 11:30 pm
Hey nutang, it has been a pretty long time since I updated you guys on my life. I know I disappear on this blog here and there, but I promise I am forever faithful to you guys, scouts honor!
I haven't blogged in so long, I feel like I forgot how to lol. Man, where do I start?
So many of you do not know this, but I finally graduated nursing school, and have my license as a registered nurse. I now have an awesome job at a local hospital, working for the float pool :). If you guys don't know what that is, it basically means I will be working on every unit of the hospital whenever they need me. I love this opportunity because I will be able to see how every unit works, and then apply for a position that I want whenever a spot opens up. For training though, my boss has us newbies orient three-five weeks in each unit, depending on the patient acuity and workload.
I love my job because I am orienting to postpartum: where I take care of moms that just delivered their newborn babies. I know most people thing newborns look like aliens, (and they do), but I find them extremely cute! I used to find newborns pretty weird looking, but there has not been one newborn in the hospital that I have found ugly. However, that may just be due to me being so passionate and excited to have a nursing job that the stars in my eyes get in the way of seeing the newborn's actual face. It could be more than that though; like how I feel absolutely heroic when I hear a piercing cry coming from a crib from afar. I rush over and hold this cone-shaped headed baby to save it from feeling cold and lonely. When I heard angelic silence, and hold this warm child, I know I have done my job of saving another victim from sadness. Many tell me that I have a motherly nature to myself, but maybe it's just a savior complex...
Anyways, other than work, my life consists of praying for my paycheck to come in, driving my new car around while making sure I don't crash into things (because I suck at driving), and spending time with friends and family. I am no longer in a relationship, but he still is my absolute best friend (ahem, that will probably be talked about in another blog). He now joined nutang! randomrhetoric (link in my module) is an awesome blogger, and I am sure his eloquence will sweep all of you off of your computer chairs :). I'm now dating here and there as well, which is something I am not used to at all. It has been fun so far, to be very honest. But let's be real, I am not the type to be good at dating around at all. I have no game what so ever. Oh well, we'll see how this goes for me. I may quit if it gets too exhausting :P.
So that is my life. I felt that I needed to update you all on everything that has been going on for any of you to understand my blogs that are coming up. I have a feeling I'll be around nutang a lot again :). Let's hope that's true!
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