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new beginning, harsh departure.
Tuesday. 10.6.15 1:53 am
Today, I decided to tell my parents I am moving out of the house.

Let's start by filling all of you in on what's been going on recently. I am now 24 years old, and moved back home with my parents for a whole year after graduating and getting a registered nursing job. About a month ago, my parents insisted my boyfriend move into our home, as to have another male in the home, and also because my dad worried constantly about me driving an hour and thirty minutes out to his apartment filled with other guys. (My dad asked him about five times, never the other way around). So He traded his payment for an apartment for a new car and moved in. As a sign of a new beginning, we went shopping for a new bed frame, desk, and even painted our bedroom wall the light blue i wanted :).

But, the tide took its turn for the worst. My mom started having rages constantly (she has this from time to time anyways, but it worsened when my bf moved in). The traditional side of her came out, and she would always say that my boyfriend living here is a sin, that it's wrong he moved in here, because a MAN moved into a WOMANS house, not the other away around. In her rage, she would say "he's only using you for your money" and make flat out false statements such as "YOU ARE PAYING FOR HIS CAR AND HIS EXPENSES."

As a month of this bickering, yelling, and constant finger pointing went toward me, I asked my boyfriend to come with ME to go looking for apartments. He politely asked me if this was my choice, and not because of him. And although of course many of the issues have arose because he moved in, I can firmly say this was my choice, and I was tired of bickering. This whole year was filled with it, but this time, I have someone to move away with. I can feel comfortable getting a place, and not being alone (this sounds pretty lame, but I tried living alone once, and I went absolutely crazy).

So I told them today that I have found an apartment, and I am actually able to move in on Friday. It's still in the same town, a six month lease only, and I told them I would come visit once a week. I also wanted them to be a part of the move in process. My father was calm and collected, but begged for me to stay here, because it's financially smarter. My mother on the other hand, used the word "no" about 200 times in twenty minutes, blamed my "brainwashed thinking" on my boyfriend, told me he would leave me in three years because he is indeed just using me, and that I should forget she ever existed if I move out of here.

Of course, I am just like my mother. Our temperament isn't the world's greatest, and indeed we say hurtful things when we are angry. I know that my mother is more hurt than anything else, and just is afraid of being left alone in this house of ours. My father is only worried about me. However, my father doesn't seem to care about my mother's fear of abandonment. (Which is probably why she is so hurt that I am leaving). I can only imagine an ounce of the pain my mother is feeling right now. Regardless, I know it is the right decision to leave. So I stood my ground despite my mother yelling, told them that I am moving out, and no matter what I will always reach out even if she decides not to.

So here is to me, a new beginning. An apartment to call home. I believe in my mother, and feel she will come around sometime. Maybe not now, but soon. The leave will be sad, but I feel there is a bright future coming soon.

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Wednesday. 4.8.15 2:16 am
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be the strong one.

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