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Last Semester of Nursing School.
Saturday. 2.22.14 10:35 pm
This is it guys, my last semester in college. I am graduating in May, and it is absolutely surreal.

I have been in school since I was five years old. FIVE. 18 years of my life, I have devoted my time to going to class, doing homework, studying, and procrastinating. It's crazy to think that I will be in the working world a year or less from now (God willing). I won't be worrying about a test, my grades, my gpa, or anything related to school for a while. I will be working as a registered nurse for a couple of years before I go back to grad school for my MSN. I have to say though, that I am absolutely terrified. There is so much I have to do before I graduate and so much I have to do after I graduate! Four major tests, six minor tests, two major papers, ten minor papers, and a 90-hour preceptorship left before graduation. A whole bunch of studying will occur after graduation to take my NCLEX. OMG, I AM GOING TO TAKE MY NCLEX.

I have been partially freaking out over graduation each day since this semester started, but I am absolutely freaking out now because I drank two cups of coffee, and am in the middle of this case study that I have spent four hours on researching the pathophysiology of basal ganglia hemorrhages (with nothing written out yet...). I really need to understand this just so I can write it out.

So I need to breathe a little bit, drink water to flush out this burst of energy, and then get back to my paper. But...I think this blog helped a lot :).

Back to EVIL!!!!

....I mean, my case study.

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Dear God
Tuesday. 12.10.13 8:39 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Sunday. 9.8.13 1:32 am
I hate when people point out my flaws. I hate that you can see them so clearly, written all over my words and actions. I hate it because I can't accept them. I don't like being reminded of the things that I suck at, or the things I do wrong.

And even if someone says what flaws I have is something they accept about me, it still annoys me. I don't want to be this way. I don't want anyone to be able to see this character trait I have. It isn't flattering, and it isn't something I like about myself.

I know people say you can change if you want to. And to some extent you can. But if you don't realize the flaw you have is so blatantly obvious, how can you even change it?

Even this blog points out my flaw. Damn.

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Diary of a clingy girl.
Saturday. 8.17.13 12:31 pm
I hold on very tightly to things because I have this fear that whatever I do or say to or for someone will be forgotten and meaningless. I put myself out there, constantly standing out (calling, making people laugh, texting 24/7) because I want to remind people that I'm there.

And yes, I'm clingy, and yes, I am selfish, insecure and will always chase and hunt you down...but that is a part of me that I don't have enough strength to control.

But it makes me wish someone did the same for me. Because then I would feel as if they want to remain in my life, just as desperately as I try to remain in theirs.

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i hate break up songs.
Saturday. 8.10.13 12:59 am
Not because it reminds me of my own experiences, but because it reminds me of his.

It kills me >.>

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Let the rain.
Wednesday. 8.7.13 11:43 am
"I hold on to worry so tight
It's safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice"

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mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Wednesday. 8.7.13 12:25 am
enough said. I feel comforted.

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Tuesday. 8.6.13 11:22 pm
I want to experience true love.

I want to experience someone telling me they love everything about me, even all of my flaws. I want someone to look at me and say "you may snort when you laugh, and may be inconsiderate and selfish at times, but I love you anyways. Even these little flaws, I find beautiful." I want someone who can see my positivity as refreshing, but also can bring me back to reality. I want someone to tell me that I am worth every single second and minute they spend with me. I want someone to make me feel as if I am someone they do not NEED in their life, but someone that will always want me in their life. I want to be loved by someone who is confident, strong-willed, and persistent through hard times. I want to be loved by someone that loves themselves. I want to be loved by someone who will get mad, cry, empathize, laugh and smile with me. I want to be loved by a smart person, who's intellect does not hinder them from having beliefs. I want to be loved by a person who respects other's beliefs, despite how crazy they may sound. I want to be loved by someone that will only be in love with me.

I want to love someone that knows who they are. I want to love someone who I can count on in every situation in life. I want to love someone that accepts people, embraces people, but also can discern when to not trust others. I want to love someone who can honestly admit they have flaws and are truly working on them. I want to love someone who will be open with me with every aspect in their life. I want to love someone who can sit around and still have a good time. I also want to love someone who can go on a trip to a donut shop at 2 in the morning, or a road trip to the middle of nowhere and think of it as an adventure. I want to love someone that can care about me, my family, and my friends. And mostly, I want to love someone that loves me.

True love to me, is where two people care about each other, and are willing to give everything for one another. But in turn, they wouldn't have to give up everything for each other because they would want the best for each other. True love is where two people decide that their time, pain and good times spent together are all worth it, and decide to stay together through it all. True love is where two people can honestly look at each other and say "I hate you, but I love you". True love is where you want to strangle each other, but decide not to because you would rather have them alive and around, then not at all. True love is where you want to kiss them, but smack them right after. And mostly, true love is not just an emotion, it is a verb. True love is when times are very, very hard, but you push through together anyways. There are no silly "let's break up" arguments, but both try to work it out all the time, every time.

I can say that I have fallen for someone, but is it love exactly? I don't think so, at least not yet. I hope that one day, I can find true love, whether with who I am with right now, or in someone else. It is true, I am in love with love. I am a hopeless romantic who hopes and wishes that love will conquer all. I want to experience this one thing that I have never gotten. Now, I know this person may not even exist, and there will always be flaws in a person that I will despise. But for the most part, I think I can find most of what I want in someone I already know.

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