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Monday. 1.19.15 2:24 am
Sometimes I get into these moods about my weightloss journey, where I feel like I am on top of the world, and I am going to eat better, and make good choices! And then the next minute I see a brownie and I instantly stuff it in my face. This has been an issue these past couple of months (ahem, since August).

Well, I don't want to do that anymore. And I know it's because I lack self control, but I also think it's because I don't have defined goals for myself. And some of these goals/reasons I want to lose weight may be petty to you guys, but they are my goals and my motivation to lose weight xD.

1.) To feel in control of my life again.
I feel like I lack control with what I put in my body because I instantly let everything into my mouth as long as it's sweet or looks appetizing. But I need to feel in control again like I felt before when I lost all the weight initially. I did an amazing job at exercising and eating well then, I want to get back to that. It's harder now, because I am constantly surrounded by good food my mom makes. However, that's why it's a good goal to keep for myself. It will keep me focused on the root of the issue, and that is controlling my impulse choices.

2.) To beat the old me in pounds.
I used to be 140lbs, and at one point (not sure if it was the scale or not), but I was downt o 135lbs three summers ago. I want to be just as thin, or even thinner than I used to be. I wonder how I would look. I have been looking at my old pictures, and I can't help but notice that I absolutely looked thinner back then. I want to get back to that. I am right now at 156lbs, my heaviest since losing all the weight in 2012. I want to be better than that.

3.) To finally prove to myself that I am capable.
I think subconsciously I think I'll always be defined as fat, not matter what size my jeans are, or how much I weigh. I don't want to keep thinking that about myself. I am capable of losing weight, and I am not going to be fat at a certain size. I want to be fit and healthy, and love myself again. I am completely capable of loving myself.

I will continue to love myself as I am on this journey. There is room for mistakes, but not as many as I have been making these days. I hope to make smarter choices. This honestly isn't totally about losing weight anymore. It's about feeling in control, and not being so sad all the time when I make the decision to stuff my face with things that shouldn't be digested in copious amounts.

So now that my goals/reasons for losing weight are more defined, I think I'll be a bit more successful these next couple of months!

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To my boyfriend's ex,
Sunday. 12.21.14 3:19 pm
I remember when I first met him, there was a constant sadness that overtook him. He could be right next to me talking, or even be silent, and I could feel the sadness emanating from inside of him. I've never met anyone with that deep sadness. As I dug deeper to find out who he is, I found the reason he was hurting. All this time, it was you. Now, I still don't know the whole story, especially because I don't know you or your side, but I do know this: whatever happened left him broken, confused and lost. You were his everything at one point when he felt he had nothing else going for him. And the moment it was torn away in a sudden and swift way, it left him shaken up. As his heart mourned the loss of you as he met me, I couldn't help but feel insecure about myself. Am I inadequate compared to his ex? I would ask myself constantly. As time when on, Chris and I's love bloomed. Chris became less cynical, less bitter, and started to have hope in life again. He became my best friend, my rock, and my supporter. Just as I became that for him. His smiles became genuine, his cold eyes became soft. His hugs became warmer, and I started to feel that I started to fit perfectly in his arms. It took time, but he finally got over everything that happened. As time went on, he forgave you. now I know deep down in his heart you will always have a special place. He will always have this constant love for you, and I can't stop that from happening. However, I know that I am at the forefront in his life and heart right now. Many people know how to tear others down easily, but it takes a strong and loving person to stick around long enough to pick someone up out of their struggles. I was that for him. I want you to know that he's happy now. And I also want to say thank you. You're the reason he pursued an education. And now, he's starting UC Berkeley in January. Thank you for pushing him when you guys were together to be better. At the time, he went to school for you, but now he has found the courage and strength to finish for himself. He is able to love again, and I don't feel insecure or inadequate up against you anymore. I realized now that time truly does heal wounds. I also know that he wishes you the best, and that you helped him grow into who he is now. I also, do wish you the best as well. Now, I don't know 100% that Chris and I will end up together, but I do know that if we ever do, our marriage would be filled with constant love, bickering, laughs, and forgiveness for the rest of our lives. I needed to write this to remind myself how life takes turns and changes constantly. Looking back, I realize that what Chris and I went through will only be a living testimony of the struggle of true love. we'll keep pushing and thriving for each other. I hope you do as well with your family.

Sincerely,
his new love.

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